Have you heard the old saying, “There are three sides to every story. Yours, mine, and the truth”? That speaks volumes to me on so many occasions. I find myself always searching for the truth, but can the truth ever really be found?
Over the last year I have been riding a very emotional roller coaster. It primarily stems from not being able to find out the truth. When you can’t figure out the truth then doubt starts to take over. It’s almost like cancer…it starts small and then doubt continues to grow and spread throughout your body until you look at everyone with suspicion. I began questioning who is my friend and who isn’t, who is truthful and who isn’t. Living in a sea of doubt is awful. It sucks all your energy, it makes you want to hibernate, and it begins building a wall between you and the rest of the world.
Last summer I had someone quit our company because of me. I’m 42 years old and I can honestly say that was a first! I felt awful. As a manager I sat back and questioned where I went wrong. In his mind, I was a bitch that was always changing things. In my mind, I am a forward thinker. In order to grow you have to be willing to change. If you stay in the box then you will never grow outside that box. I don’t think either of us were right or wrong…we just didn’t agree. However, during this situation a lot of things came out. I heard there was a meeting where some less than nice things were said about me not only by my staff members but by my boss. I was hurt. I also felt so betrayed, because I thought these people were also my friends. Let me tell you that I am blunt, I have no filter, and when there is a problem I go straight to the source to fix it. So, I went to everyone individually to discuss the things that were said. I was hoping to be able to fix the problem and move forward. Of course, no one wanted to admit to saying anything negatively about me. So where do I go from here? If no one is honest with me then how can I fix the situation and be able to move forward?
A few months later there was another fall out at my office. During that time I heard some of the same things being said about me. I was already sensitive to the situation because the doubt seed had been planted, and I didn’t know who I could trust anymore. Hearing the same things being said for a second time made me feel as though the truth that was buried beneath the lies was coming out. I want to believe people, but I’m finding it so hard. I felt as though I began looking at everyone with suspicion. I didn’t feel comfortable being here, and I was ready to leave my company and move on. Or was I? I bleed blue! I love this company! Why can’t people just be honest with me so we could fix it? I’m not ready to leave, but I also understand that if I am no longer an asset to the company then I must move on.
I had multiple people ask me not to leave. If I did leave then they wanted to go with me. Seriously? Am I loved or am I hated. This is an emotional tug-of-war. I have a handful of people doing what they can to push me out and a handful doing what they can to keep me. I don’t expect everyone to like me. Ok, so that was a lie. For some reason I think everyone is supposed to like me, because it’s rare that I don’t like someone! However, do these people really want me to stay or is this more lies? Is the doubt consuming me where I can’t see the truth even if it was standing in front of me?
So here we are…yes, I’m still with the company. I’d like to tell you the emotional roller coaster ride is over, but in some way I’m still working through it. After discussing the situations with some people I came to the conclusion that my staff isn’t always going to like me. I’m like their parent. I have to discipline them when they break the rules, provide constructive criticism, and push them out of their comfort zone so they can grow. I want them to grow so in turn the company can grow! So I realize now that along the way I am going to make people mad, and step on a few toes. I thought in some way people would understand I am not only doing my job, but I am trying to help them. I learned, however, that there are some people that will never see the bigger picture and want to stay in the box. It’s those people that spread lies…it’s those people that created doubt in me, and now those are the people that are no longer here with the company.
I discovered that the most important person to me is my boss. I know I won’t always make him happy, and I’m sure at times I’ve disappointed him. However, at the end of the day if we are a team, if he and I stand united, then we will have no problem growing this team and growing this company. I realized how quickly we can become divided when doubt entered our minds. He didn’t trust me any more than I trusted him. We had allowed the negative, in-the-box, non truthful people create doubt in each other. Once we talked openly, and without reservation, we were able to lift that doubt and begin to trust each other again. This is what I needed. I needed to know that no matter what he and I will have each others back. We are tough as individuals, but we are mighty as a team.
The truth…I don’t know that I will ever truly find it. If I did, I don’t know that I would be able to see it through the doubt. Remember, there are always three sides to every story. Your’s, mine, and the truth. That is because when emotions are involved it’s easy to skew the truth, it’s because there are liars in the world, and it’s because doubt clouds our judgement. So I’ll do my best to continue to find the truth in every situation, but I think the most important thing is to work harder on not letting the doubt become my cancer.