In my previous blog I talked about a girl named Jordan. We brought her into our home in January of 2019. My daughter has a gift of seeking out people in need because she loves helping people. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as my mom is one of the most helpful giving people I know!
One night, Jordan told us her story while we were all standing in the kitchen. The detail in her story was so compelling it made my husband and I instantly want to do everything we could to help her. So we began our journey of fighting for Jordan. We talked to the school about her situation, we talked to the police, and ultimately had a meeting with her parents and CPS at the police station. It was awful. The tension in the room was overwhelming. My husband and I chose to put Jordan between us. We wanted her to feel the support from us through this stressful situation. Her mom seemed so hurt and her dad seemed so angry. I could not begin to understand what this family was going through. My only thought at the time was making sure Jordan had a safe place to live. Her dad’s final words were, “If Jordan doesn’t want to live with us then you can have her. Just know you will also be financially responsible for her.”
Jordan was 17 and we knew we had very little time to not only teach her all the knowledge we had to about life, but to also show her the love and happiness you get from being surrounded with family. At the time I was angry at how the meeting with her parents went. They wanted no contact, and I had to respect that decision. It did not take her long to start calling us mom and dad, and Laney and Dawson became her sister and brother. I instantly became a mom of three and a family of five! It was not easy. As a matter of fact, looking over the last year I realized it was both the most enjoyable and the most frustrating year of our lives. Let me explain.
Jordan’s story went something like this…
Jordan was physically abused by her father most of her life. She found out recently that the mom she knew was not actually her real mom. Her dad had an affair and she was the product of the affair. Her real mom was a drug addict and could not commit to taking care of a baby. So her step mom agreed to take Jordan in and raise her as her own. Jordan never knew that she had another mom until January 2020. She told us her real mom showed up one day to her school to meet her. The office called Jordan in and explained there was someone there to meet her. She looked around the office and proceeded to tell the staff she did not recognize anyone in the office. They told her that it was her real mom there to meet her. Real mom, she thought? They asked if she preferred to talk with her mom in the counselors office with a counselor or alone. Jordan said she would prefer to go to another room, but didn’t mind talking to her on her own. So they went to a room and the mom began to explain why she could not raise Jordan. She was addicted to drugs and was unable to get off them no matter how hard she tried. However, she has always kept up with Jordan. She showed her baby pictures as well as current pictures of her playing soccer. She even produced pictures of Jordan getting out of Laney’s car and hanging out with Laney. Jordan felt this sounded a bit like a stalker, but continued to hear her mom out. Jordan said she felt hurt by her mom, but also angry that she abandoned her. She eventually told her mom she had a new mom and didn’t want her in her life. In the midst of the harsh words being said, her mom accidentally kicked over her purse and a bag of marijuana fell out. Jordan abruptly ended the conversation and told her mom she wasn’t interested in getting to know her. It took her several days after the incident for her to come and tell me. She spoke to her friends and Laney about it first, but she was worried about how I would respond. When she finally came to me, I simply just talked to her about how it made her feel and how I could help her through this process. I knew this would be tough on her, but just being there for her was what I thought she needed.
When Jordan first moved in she told us she never celebrated Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays or any special holidays or events. We were not only appalled but sad for her. How does a child go through life without celebrating any of these things? You don’t have to be rich to celebrate. I remember when we were so broke we couldn’t afford to pay attention! However, we managed to go to the dollar store, buy a mini tree, a few mini decorations and some hot chocolate. We would sing, tell stories, or watch movies. A celebration can be as big or as small as you want it to be. So it was impossible for me to understand why Jordan’s parents chose this path or how Jordan felt through it. We realized if she had never celebrated Christmas or Easter then how could she know Jesus Christ? She said she didn’t! We told her about Jesus Christ and his amazing love for us, and began taking her to church. She was very excited and eager to learn. Wow, we have so much to show and teach this child!
She told us how she never traveled outside of Texas. She always wanted to visit other places so she signed a letter of intent with Fort Lewis College in Durango, Colorado. This way she could not only get away from her abusive dad, but she could also see more of the world! I was so excited that through all she had been through she still managed to get a scholarship with a D1 school!
She told us the only gift she ever remembered getting was an X-Box. She had done well in soccer that year and her dad bought her one for her birthday. She was so surprised she cherished that one and only gift she was given. Her brother and sister, however, were showered with gifts for all events. They were given birthday parties, and they were allowed to go to other birthday parties and events. She said her brother and sister were allowed to spend the night with friends, but she wasn’t allowed to leave the house. This was so unfair. My dad always told me the only thing that is fair in life is the state fair! I hated that saying, but it’s so very true! So I knew I may not be able to change her past, but I could sure change her future!
Our Story…
When we took Jordan in she came with nothing. So we first took her to buy new clothes, undergarments, shoes, toiletries, makeup, and pretty much everything she needed to get ready each day. Then we made her a bedroom complete with furniture, and purchased decorations for it. It was important for us to make sure she felt completely comfortable in her new home. Of course, our next step was safety. So we purchased her a cell phone to make sure she could reach us at all times.
Throughout the year we had quite a few trials and tribulations with Jordan. We knew there was going to be an adjustment period. This was the first time in her life she had freedom. Our parenting is quite different than what she had grown up with. We believe in respecting our kids, giving them their privacy, and when things go wrong or they make a mistake we have family meetings and use those experiences to teach them. We had hoped through this form of parenting we would be able to teach Jordan and help her grow.
The first issue we had with Jordan was her manipulating us to get a friend to come over and get drunk. We were at Laney’s softball game. I could see her and a friend sitting together chatting. I knew she never got to hang out with friends so I was excited to see her hanging with a friend at the game. After the game her friend came up to me and said, “Laney wants me to stay the night tonight.” I thought that was odd because Laney had always just come to me when she wanted a friend to come over. I am pretty easy going, and unless we have plans I would typically never say no. Little did I know the scheme that was about to be hatched!
I was in bed asleep when my son came busting through the bedroom door. “Mom…mom…wake up! We have a problem.” “Yes, son?” “Laney, Jordan and their friend got drunk on Fireball. I took their phones so they didn’t do anything stupid. Then I Googled, How to Get a Drunk Person to Bed, and it only told me how to get them drunk and get them to bed!” At the time that wasn’t funny, but hindsight we still laugh about that today!
I woke my husband up and we went downstairs. I had no idea what we were about to walk into. They consumed an entire large bottle of Fireball in an hour and a half between the three of them. Laney had fallen and hit her face on the bathtub. Throw up was covering the bed, floor, bathtub, and pretty much any surface you could see in the room. Jordan was passed out on the bed. Their friend, who was a little more skilled with alcohol, just cried about getting caught. We called her parents to come pick her up. Then we stayed up with the girls throughout the night to make sure they didn’t get hurt or have alcohol poisoning. The next day I spoke to Laney and Jordan about the incident. Laney said she had no idea that girl was coming over until after she got to our home, but she was very sorry for what they had done. Jordan said she didn’t know either, but she was sorry as well. It looked as though Jordan was watching Laney’s reaction and response to know how to respond to us. I then said, “One of ya’ll had to have known she was coming over. She told me at the game that Laney invited her.” Laney was shocked, and angry that she would lie about something so little. Later, I talked to their friend about the incident. She confessed that Jordan told her at the game she didn’t know if I would let her come over. So it would be best to tell me that Laney wanted her to. Then once we went to bed her boyfriend could bring the Fireball over. Jordan told the friend she wasn’t sure if Laney drank, but she was pretty sure they could talk her into it. This was Jordan’s first lie to us…that we knew of anyway. None the less, we grounded them both.
Easter got here and boy were we ready! We wanted this to be the best Easter Jordan had ever had! We wanted to start teaching her about God and Jesus, and the community of believers called Church. We invited all of our family and many friends to our home. We had an big kid Easter Egg hunt. For us, it was like having an adult toddler in the house. She was experiencing everything for the first time. So it made it so exciting for us to experience this with her! She grabbed her Easter egg basket and ran out of the house grabbing eggs and gifts as fast as she could. When the hunt was over, all the big kids sat around the table discussing what they had found and laughing at the experience. It was a beautiful site.
When summer came we took Jordan to San Antonio, Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, and so much more. We took her on a boat ride to see the dolphins, to an alligator farm, on a huge ship to see my brother retire from the Navy, parasailing on a boat, and to multiple beaches. The experience was amazing, but we were noticing little things that disturbed us. She would intentionally wear clothes Laney asked her not to wear. Then somehow after she wore them they got destroyed. I found that odd because we bought her a complete new wardrobe when she came to live with us. She would also take Laney’s shoes and wear them knowing she is a size bigger. Laney would get upset because her shoes were being stretched out. Why would she wear them knowing it upset Laney? We then realized she began jumping from one guy to another. She would confess her love to one guy and when he would confess his back she would break it off. I tried talking to her about this, because the behavior was out of the normal. I see kids date and break up, but not over 10 in a month! So we decided to put our foot down and tell her no more dating for a little while. It was upsetting Dawson because she literally dated everyone in his friend group which was causing a lot of problems within the group. Lastly, Laney’s friends started coming to her asking her about things she supposedly said about them or did behind their back. Laney had no idea what they were talking about. The rumors were flying, and we were hearing it was all coming from Jordan. So we decided to have yet another family meeting.
Family meetings were how we dealt with many problems. We sit down and discuss the issues as a family so there is no he said she said. It gives everyone an opportunity to discuss things openly and work through the issues. We told Jordan no more wearing each others clothes and shoes without asking first. If they did they would be grounded. We explained its important to respect each others things. We also told her to hold off dating any guys for a month. She needed to take time to not only find herself, but to love herself. You must first love yourself before you can love anyone else. Lastly, we discussed the rumors. We told her we didn’t understand why she was saying these things or intentionally creating problems. She said she was sorry for not respecting Laney’s things, she understood about the boys, and she felt bad for causing Laney problems with her friends. She never offered a reason why she was doing these things, but she told us it would not happen again. We assumed the behavior was just her adjusting to her new home, possibly acting out that her parents let her go, and testing the limits. However, we felt it would be best to get her some counseling. We were hoping the additional help would allow her to work through the issues and continue to move forward. So we got this started on this right away.
As school began I started talking to her about getting her SAT, ACT, and FASFA going. The college she was going to attend was going to cost us $15k or more per year to send her there. We were giving her $20 per week in allowance and we knew we were going to have to increase that as well. We needed all the help we could get! I asked her to see her school counselor. She was listed as a homeless student. So I knew if she got with the counselor we could apply her for programs to help her get more money for school. In addition, after speaking with the college coach they needed to have her test scores asap. Weeks then months passed and she wasn’t getting any of this done. When I would ask her about it she said the counselor was an idiot, but they were working on it. She told me she would do her best to get everything done before the new year. We explained she was running out of time. If she couldn’t get some financial assistance we may need to look at a closer college that is less expensive. We did not want her to go into debt with college or for us to!
After the new year I put my foot down. I told her in January if she didn’t get a ticket to take the test we were going to call the coach and let him know she declined the scholarship and was going to look at a closer college. Laney was taking the test in early February. Jordan told us she got a ticket to take it with Laney. They both left for the test that morning, then I got a call to come pick up Jordan. She wasn’t on the list. She complained all the way home about how stupid the counselor was. I told her we would need to talk to the counselor together to get this resolved so we could make some decisions.
Next came homecoming. Jordan told us she had never been to homecoming. It was her Senior year and we had decided come hell, wind, or high water it was going to be awesome! She met a kid named Jagger who did the most amazing homecoming proposal. We all helped in getting it set up. It was under the awning at the soccer game. We lit over 100 tealight candles to create an aisle. We lined that aisle with rose petals. At the end of the aisle the candles made a heart, and inside the heart it said HOCO? When Jordan arrived she was blind folded. We all remained quiet so she wouldn’t know we were there. Jagger got her out of the Jeep and took her blind fold off. She instantly started crying. I wasn’t her real mom, but I felt the joy of seeing my new daughter being asked to homecoming for the first time. Unfortunately, the bliss was taken away far too soon. They had a fight and her homecoming date fell through. Luckily, her friend Karina asked her to homecoming. She felt as we did and didn’t want Jordan missing out going to homecoming her Senior year. We went to the store and had the garter we had originally purchased broken back down and made into a mum. It cost us over $200 for this catastrophe, but we were not going to let her homecoming be ruined! The day of homecoming was great, we took lots of pictures, and the kids had an amazing time. Thank goodness it all worked out!
Then Christmas came, and of course we had to go all out again! We did our regular tradition of turning on Christmas music, making hot chocolate, pulling out all the decorations, and decorating the tree and house. It was so exciting seeing the laughter and joy on Jordan’s face. Laney and Dawson began putting their homemade ornaments on the tree. I could see the sadness in Jordan as she didn’t have one. So we decided to have an ornament decorating day! Christmas was definitely getting started off on the right foot!
We really wanted this one to be special. It was her first Christmas with her new family. Her first Christmas to experience the love of Jesus Christ, and her first Christmas with new traditions. So we made sure to buy her a ton of gifts. In addition, we bought her a car. We weren’t sure we were going to be able to pull it off, but luckily we found a 2011 Honda Accord Coupe fully loaded. It was so cute, in near perfect condition, and in our price range! We couldn’t wait to surprise her with it. So on Christmas morning it was the last gift for her to open. We wrapped the key in a box, and when she opened it I think she was caught so off guard she didn’t know what to do! Then Laney said, “Do you know how hard this was to keep this from you?” At that moment she realized what was happening and took off running outside! It was an explosive moment for us all, and we were so happy for her!
Christmas was filled with tons of family, new traditions, and lots of laughs. The only concern we had was that she was caught going through Laney’s phone. Laney woke up and saw a Snapchat from her boyfriend. She realized that some of their messages were screenshot. She was confused. This was done about 2 in the morning when everyone would be asleep. We had school and work the next day. When she got to school her friends told her that Jordan went through her phone, took screenshots of some of her messages between her and me, her and her boyfriend, and her and her friends. Jordan then sent those messages out to people to stir up problems. We had a family meeting. Jordan told us she thought Laney was talking bad about her. So she went through her phone as far back as 4 months ago, found some things messages where she was talking about people, and then took a screenshot and sent them to those people.
It was time for another family meeting. I asked Jordan why she did this. She said she had a feeling Laney had been talking bad about her behind her back. I asked her what she found when she was snooping. She explained Laney was just venting to her boyfriend and I about stuff that bothered her. So I asked her if she had someone she vents to. She said yes. So I asked her why was it ok for her to vent, but not ok for Laney to? In addition, why would she choose to not just ask Laney and instead screenshot the messages and send them out to people? Laney wasn’t talking bad about anyone. She was simply discussing problems and getting advice. She apologized for what she did. I told her this was a clear violation of Laney’s privacy, and she did it with malicious intent. I explained we have accepted her into this home no questions asked. All she needed to do was follow the rules and respect her home, her siblings, and us. She has continued to break our trust, show no respect, and break the rules. If she couldn’t figure this out then she would need to find another place to live. At this point, she has the opportunity to change this bad behavior and work on her character. It’s never too late, however, since she has lied and misbehaved so much it would take time to build that back up.
When January came we were already packed and ready to head on our first family cruise! I made sure to try to eliminate any issues by making the girls pack separate clothes for each day of the cruise. We had been anxiously preparing for this trip for quite some time. This wouldn’t be a first for just Jordan, but for our entire family! Everything was going great except for the clothes situation. Jordan insisted on wearing Laney’s clothes AGAIN. She didn’t just do it once. She did it and I pulled her aside to talk to her about it reminding her of the rules set before the trip. Then when I saw her do it again I had to make her go change. I was determined not to let something so trivial ruin the trip. I could feel the tension between Laney and Jordan, but attempted to do my best to put it to bed. In addition, she was lying to us about where she was on the boat. We thought she was with Laney, Dawson and their cousins. Then we would go to look for her and would find her chatting with older men in various areas. She claimed they were bothering her, but something didn’t feel right. I knew I was going to need to address this when we got home.
Shortly after we got back from the cruise we began prom dress shopping. I gave the girls a budget of $350. We went to Dallas and shopped at several stores, and ended up at Whatchamacallit. Jordan was dead set on the dress she “thought” she wanted. Then the designer had given her a completely different color and style to try on. It was hands down the most perfect dress she could have put on. The only problem was the dress was over $600! I knew my husband was going to kill me, but I was already in too deep and there was no way I could say no. So almost $700 later she was smiling ear to ear in the “She said yes to the dress!” picture!
A week later we had several kids over our home. Laney left to go to another friends house. Dawson and Jordan were here hanging out playing pool with everyone. Davy and I were laying in bed just talking about how much we loved to hear them all laughing. Jordan told us they were going to go to Walmart and to get food and would be back in a bit. When they got back Davy went downstairs to find Jordan coloring her hair purple. He came to tell me and I told him she needed to wash it out now! It was against school policy to have non natural colored hair. She would have been sent home for being out of dress code on Monday. When Jordan washed it out I called her into the room to see what she was thinking. Dawson came in and said he was sorry. He thought Jordan asked us. I told Jordan everyone had to go home and she was grounded from her phone. She gave me her phone and told everyone to leave. A few moments later her phone dinged. It was a message asking her if her mom found out that she had been skipping school. That’s when our world started to unravel.
The truth…
I did something I have never done. I invaded her privacy and began going through her phone. I knew that I could no longer explain off all the red flags. It was time for me to find out what was going on.
I found out that she had been skipping school 2-3 times a week since she moved in with us. She stated in her text messages between friends that she would tell her teachers she was going to the counselor, and use her sad history to manipulate the system. No one at the school ever checked with the counselor to see if she really showed up so she was able to skip classes undetected. In addition, I found a text message where her and three other kids wanted to skip. The problem was she couldn’t drive, one friend didn’t have gas, and the other friend was grounded from their vehicle. So they devised a plan to invite Dawson so he could drive. They told him a girl he liked was going. So he skipped with them. If it wasn’t bad enough she made these choices, but now she was manipulating my son into making bad choices.
I started to wonder….do I really want to continue reading?
As I kept reading I found out that she was talking to several guys. That doesn’t sound too bad. However, we knew about one kid. We all liked him, and he had a bright future ahead of him. As I was reading the messages each boy thought they were the only one she was talking to. She was telling them all she loved them. She planned futures, naming their kids, and discussing when and how they would get married. She told each boy that she could not be with them until after they graduated because her parents were strict. Us strict? I realized she was lying to each one of them. One of the guys was 28 years old. How could this be happening and none of us know it? How did these boys not figure this out. I felt so terrible for them and how she was manipulating each one.
The next messages I read talked about our family. She was telling several people we were horrible to her. She said we treated her like Cinderella by making her do chores all day and night. However, Laney never had to do any. This was not true as we had a chore chart that gave each person one chore to do each day. The only variance is if they were grounded. They could do chores to knock off days of their grounding or to earn money.
She talked about how mean and difficult Laney was to live with. It was Laney’s way or the highway. She talked about how horrible it was that Laney forced her to clean up after herself and griped all the time when she wore her clothes. She said she never knew when Laney was going to wake up a bitch or not. Then she talked about how easy it was to manipulate me. I guess that was true as I started to learn more than I wanted to as I continued reading. I had no idea this was happening. She talked about how if she only gave me part of the truth it was easy to get away with the lies. She told her friends she would wait to see the mood I would wake up in so she knew if she could get one over on me or not. I guess I wasn’t as good of an FBI agent as I thought!
She was also talking to several people about nicotine. She begged guys and offered to trade favors for them to bring her nicotine. She made a point not to let Laney know. She said she would pretend to show someone her phone and they would slide the vape into her sleeve. She made plans to meet guys outside after we went to sleep to get the vape from them. She also talked about purchasing blueberries. I’m not sure if that is a mixture of drugs or a flavor of nicotine. At this point I didn’t care. I just knew this was my final straw.
I could not bring her into my home so that she could bring all this bad with her. This is not what we signed up for. We told her it was time for her to move out. We sat down and went over all that we read in her text messages. I told her the gig was up, and I knew about everything. I explained all she had to do was follow the rules. I understand kids will break rules. We have to make mistakes so that we can learn. However, this was different. She wasn’t just breaking rules, she was hurting our family.
I knew after talking with her it was time to move on. She showed no remorse, she didn’t apologize, and she never said a word. So we started working on finding her a new place to stay. I called her mom and explained the situation. That’s when she told me how hurt she was by all this. She said Jordan has a lot of problems. They were still willing to take her back in and help her get the counseling she needs. I hung up with her and talked to Jordan. She said under no circumstances would she move in with her parents. So I called her grandparents. They both agreed to take her in. I talked to Jordan again and she would not go with them either. After a lot of phone calls she found a friend that was willing to take her in on a temporary basis. We helped her pack all that we had bought her and then my husband drove her to her friends house.
When he arrived home I could tell he had been crying. Although she did so many bad things and talked so terribly about us it didn’t take away the pain. We had already accepted her in our family, and we loved her. The next day I reached out to the counselor. She explained to me that Jordan had Borderline Personality Disorder. She described it as Jordan knows right from wrong, but she chooses to lie. She lies about anything and everything in order to manipulate people into feeling pity for her. Once she says her lies out loud they become her truth. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill to help with this type of behavior. The only option is specialized therapy. So I reached back out to her parents to discuss this a little more. Her mom said that her dad did spank her with a belt twice. He admitted it was wrong, but he was at his wits end with her lying and bad behavior. She told me about the final straw with them was Jordan said she was going to be practicing soccer late. He went to the school to pick her up and found everything locked down and lights out. He finally found her behind the building with a boy. I don’t need to explain what her father walked into, but with reason he went off the deep end. So all of the stories of the continued abuse was a lie.
She also sent me pictures of their lives. She was shocked at what Jordan had told us. They did celebrate every holiday and every birthday. Jordan has always been given gifts for each of these events. I felt myself getting hot. I could not believe what I was hearing. How could I have been so stupid…how could I have been so blind? How could I have not took the time to question her story in the beginning before I spent thousands of dollars on her, countless hours, and allowed her to bring so much pain to my family?
I then found out that the entire story about her being a product of an affair with her real mom coming to the school was all a lie. The only mom I had ever talked to is also the mom on her birth certificate. How could one person create so much chaos through her lies? I could hear her moms pain through the phone. She could not believe all the lies Jordan had told us. I felt terrible for believing her parents were such horrible people without really doing my due diligence to find out. This has to be killing them, because if I were in their shoes it would be killing me.
The story isn’t quite over for us yet. We have been criticized and judged for asking her to move out. We have been told we are wrong, and that we should have gotten her the help she needed. Some people choose to believe her stories. I will not be able to change that. What I do know is that I saw my daughter finally truly smile again. It looked like a huge weight had been lifted off her once Jordan moved out. I also saw us coming together as a family through this disaster and I know through this we will become stronger. There are good days and bad days. However, if you know the Vaughn’s at all you know our doors have always been open and will always remain open for those who need help, food, or just prayer. This will harden our hearts a little, but it won’t stop us.
We learned about Borderline Personality Disorder, and we learned that people with this condition know how to put enough detail and emotion in their stories to make them believable. They are master manipulators, and they study each person to know how to manipulate them. In addition, they are good about creating chaos to hate you, and then apologize to real you back in. I encourage you to study this disease. It’s very eye opening. I did not write this to throw Jordan under the bus. I wrote this to educate people, and to encourage them to learn about this disorder. Trust your instincts when you see the red flags going up. It’s ok to see the good in people, but you also need to know to trust yourself when something doesn’t feel right. Don’t wait a year and spend thousands to find out you are being duped in the end. I pray for everyone that may have this type of person in their life. I’m praying God gives you clarity to see them, and the strength to move on from them.
-Wendy Vaughn